New Adventures of Batman and Ash Ultimate Darkness
by PumaMav Enterprises
Summary: Batman and Ash fight the dark forces known as the boy bands. [mature]
1. Part 1 by Amazing Colossal Puma Man

**Prologue**

A dark, bat-shaped figure ran atop the buildings of Gotham City, jumping off one, and swooping through the alleys. The Bat landed in front of the S-Mart Arena, scanning the area for wrong-doings. Off in the distance, somewhere behind the arena, Batman saw a 76 year old thug assaulting a 20 year old man. Using his grappling gun, the Dark Knight swung over to the scene of the crime. Drawing his Bat-baseball bat, he stuck the old woman with a violent blow to the knees. "Naughty spawn! It is time to face the penalties for your actions!" The killing, skull-crushing blow came with a can of creamed corn. "Are you all right citizen?" asked the brave hero. 

"Yeah dude. Bitch stole my blunts. Got any?" 

"Those are illegal! Time to face the penalty." The young man was soon sprawled on the ground, in critical condition from the devastating Bat-corn attack. Batman was about to leave the area when he noticed a poster proudly displayed in front of the ticket office. Coming Soon: Backstreet Boys in Concert. With Special Guests Britney Spears and N'Sync. 

A new evil was growing in the bowels of Gotham, and only two people could stop it. The Bat explained the situation to his partner via the Bat-communicator. "Holy shit, Batman!" said the startled Ash. 

"Yes, partner. We better meet in Jim's office in 15 minutes. It's time for some violence!"   


****

The creators of Batman Meets Evil Dead 

Present: 

A PumaMav Enterprises Production: 

The New Adventures of Batman and Ash - The Ultimate Darkness 

A Saga Written By: 

The Amazing Colossal Puma Man 

Based on an Original Story By: 

L. Ron Hubbard 

And Thus Produced By: 

John Travolta 

Directed By: 

Alan Smithee   
**1**

Batman and Ash stood in front of Commissioner Gordon's desk. Their strategy session had begun and the trio were plotting to destroy the bad music menace that threatened their fair city. "To be honest, Batman," began Gordon, "Gotham City had never encountered such a vile, palpable evil in its long, tortuous existence. Supervillains, demons--that's nothing compared to these...boy bands and pop stars. Why the only thing worse than this was the time Richard Simmons held a fitness competition here." 

"I know Jim," replied the Bat. "Fuck Jonathan Crane--that guy was the real master of fear. It was lucky for all of us that Two-Face escaped from Arkham and destroyed the so-called 'fitness guru.' Harvey earned his Presidential pardon and immunity clause for that act of benevolence. He saved us all from a fate worse than death." 

"Yeah," said Ash. "That guy sure was bleeding to the oldies by the time old acid-face was done with him." The group let out a laugh, but soon it was back to business at hand. 

"I have a plan," said Batman. He pressed a button on his utility belt anda teenage boy came in through the office window. Tim Drake was dressed in a leather jacket and his hair was spiked with a blond dye job. "Robin here is instrumental in our plan. He is to infiltrate the boy bands, while Ash and I wait in the audience. The rest will be quick and bloody. Well, bloody anyway." 

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on just one second there padre. I ain't doing nothing until you tell me just what we're doing." 

"Trust me Ash. It'll be fun."   
  
**2**

"Who are you again?" asked the security guard while looking over the disguised Robin. 

"My name is...uh...Timmy D. I'm part of the band." 

"Right." The security guard once again eyed Robin suspiciously. "Which group did you say you were a part of again?" 

"Err, I don't know. To tell you the truth we usually forget what band we are." 

The guard's face broke out in a smile as he let out a small chuckle. "Well, your story check out. Okay, go on ahead in." 

Tim nodded to the guard and walked to the backstage area. Upon hearing a set of footfalls, he turned around a corner. Taking a quick peek, he saw Britney Spears heading toward his direction, angrily. "I thought they were going to fucking vamp!" As she rounded the corner, Robin hit her over the head with a batarang and dragged her into a dressing room. Grabbing a portable CD player from his utility belt, he put it on the ironically titled "singer" and played one of her own albums. She soon woke up in pain, her ears bleeding. Within a minute, her head burst in a mess of blood and brain matter. 

"Nice," muttered Robin. "Time to get changed for the big show." 

The Backstreet Boys passed by the dressing room, laughing to themselves. "So our manager said that some little dying girl wanted to see us backstage. I called her and told her I'd send her an officially licensed Backstreet Boys dildo so she could go fuck herself. That reminds me, I have to buy a new one for myself."   
  
**3**

"Stop here, Alfred," ordered Bruce Wayne, wearing his concert-going Devo t-shirt. 

"Yes, Master Bruce. When shall I pick you and Mr. Williams up?" 

"I'll contact you when we're done.." 

"Very well, sir. I shall park behind the arena and drink my twelve gallon bottle of homemade moonshine, while I await your call. If you're there longer for twenty minutes I'll make a quick stop at the liquor store for more drinks." 

"Cutting down on the booze, huh Al?" said Ash as he and Bruce left the limo.   
  


Ash adjusted the collar on his blue denim shirt with his mechanical hand, constructed from a gauntlet he obtained in his trip to the year 1300. "Let's go Batsie." The two of them walked through security checkpoint, handing over their tickets and entering the arena. 

"Nice box seats, moneybags." Bruce returned Ash comment with a scowl. After a few minutes the show started. 

"Welcome everybody to ShitFest '01. I'm Pauly Shore and I'll be your emcee for the evening. So let's get down to business, okay buh-uddies? First up, Britney Spears."   
  


Tim heard his cue and adjusted the steroid-enhanced cantaloupes under his shirt and put in his wig. "All right, it's almost time." He ran out on stage in his new disguise and began performing. "I'd like to play a new song I just made up for ya'll! Hit it! 

"Baby baby baby! Oh baby! Baby baby baby baby! Oh baby baby! Baby! Baby baby!" 

In the seats below his box, Bruce overhead one of the Spears fans comment, "You know, aside from her amazing voice, she really is a lyrical genius." 

Tim finished his set and went backstage again. Bruce and Ash took this opportunity to go to the bathroom and change. Bruce became Batman, the Dark Knight, and avenger for justice. Ash replaced the gauntlet with his trusty chainsaw. "Groovy." 

As Batman and Ash returned to their box, Tim changed into his Robin costume and locked all the exits backstage. There was no escape. The terrible menace must end this night. The boy bands arrived on stage. 

"Ooooooooh yeah!" began the teaming of N'Sync and the Backstreet Boys, singing their newest song. "We like to sodomize one another! One end to another! Front to back to front to back, oh you've got that right Jack! Our love was meant to beeeeeee! So we express it--illegally!" 

"That's it!" cried Batman. "I can't take this any longer! Let's do this, now!" He took a batarang from his belt and threw it at one of the ceiling lights. The light came crashing to the stage, crushing every bone in the body of the Backstreet Boy currently singing. Batman and Ash hooked their grappling guns to the jumbotron and made their way to the stage. 

Ash swung by the lead N'Sync singer, decapitating him with his chainsaw arm before even touching the ground. Immediately he stuck the saw in another one of the Backstreet Boys. "You like it that way?" quipped Ash as he drew his shotgun and blew the Boy's face off. The demon-killer turned his head away to avoid the spray of blood and other giblets. 

Meanwhile, Batman swung on his rope, knocking over one of the Backstreet Boys with his feet. He jumped off the rope and turned around, throwing a batarang at the fallen Boy as he was struggling to his feet. The weapon stuck itself into the "musician"'s forehead, killing him instantly. "Good, bad...I'm the guy with the batarang." 

"Hey!" yelled Ash as he overheard the comment. "You stole my line, walrus-fucker! You work for 3d Realms or something?" Before Batman could answer, each were attacked by a member of N'Sync, limply slapping their quarry. Within seconds two more bloody messes were sprawled on the floor. "Four to go." 

"Make that three!" Ash turned his head to see Robin holding the severed head of an N'Sync member, trailed by the spinal cord and a steady stream of blood. "Don't ask how," replied the boy to the gaping mouths of Batman and Ash. 

The three heroes surrounded and began to circle the three remaining "musicians." Ash prepared his chainsaw. Batman drew a baseball bat, demonstrating where the name Batman came from. Robin borrowed Ash's shotgun. The stage became permanently dyed a deep shade of crimson. The mission was accomplished; the deed was done. They needed an exit. Batman grabbed Pauly Shore, who was in a fetal position next to the locked exit. The three used their grappling hook guns and scaled to the ceiling. They burned their way through the roof using the bat-blowtorch and went away in the Batwing.   
  
**4**   


A week later Batman, Ash, and Robin relaxed in the cabin in the woods, just outside Deerborne, Michigan. They saw on the news how the world celebrated the deaths they had caused. Meanwhile, they had Pauly Shore locked in the basement. "It's time to finish him off," said Batman, handing Ash a replica of the Phantasm suit worn by Bruce's ex-girlfriend. Ash replaced his hand with a curved blade and the two went down into the basement, while Robin switched on the television. 

"Pauly Shore, your angel of death awaits!" said Ash, in his costume. 

"What the heck are you, buh-uddies? Aaaaahooooo!" 

"I'm Batman!" They started the tape and left the basement. Pauly Shore was subjected to horrors beyond anyone's imagination. _The Blair Witch Project_, followed by _Battlefield Earth_. Then the evil that hath only one name..._BioDome_. 

"Shit!" exclaimed Ash. "His face melted." 

"That's to be expected from those...movies," replied Batman. "Ironic punishment, don't you think?" He took a can of bat-Lysol from his belt and sprayed the corpse. "Let's go watch some more television." 

"No, this can't be!" exclaimed Robin as they all stared at the tv. 98 Degrees was on the television. "Didn't we kill them? I mean they look exactly like..." 

"Our work's not done yet. This is only the beginning." 


	2. The Assault

**5**   
  


The Batwing left a firey streak as it blazed through the night sky. Batman's pulse quickened as he maneuvered through skyscrapers, juking the flight stick to avoid any collisions. The craft climbed up and exited the Gotham city limits. "It's time to start building our team," said Batman. "New Zealand first. Are you sure this guy will help us?" 

"Yeah, we were in a show together," replied Ash. "Of course it was cancelled and they made that piece of shit _Cleopatra_ an hour long. Hey, let's go kill the television executives next." 

"First thing's first, buddy." It was just after midnight when the Batwing landed outside their quarry's church. Batman and Ash rushed out of the plane to find Father McGruder fighting off a horde of zombies. "We have to help him!" 

"Already on it, Batsie!" Ash ran up to zombie and lopped its head off with his trusty chainsaw arm. He jumped away as a geyser of blood erupted from the undead's neck. He took out his shotgun, while Batman took out the bat-shotgun. The two of them started blasting zombies, while the priest used his deadly Catholic fighting arts to decimate the demon ranks. Soon the ground was littered with headless corpses and zombie limbs. 

"Thanks boys." 

"Father, we've come seeking your help. We're on a mission to stop a vast conspiracy and destroy the boy bands." 

"Truly a holy mission against such a great evil, touched by the devil. I'm with you!"   
  


"Teacher, I colored in the lines this time!" The kindergarden teacher took the coloring book from her student and handed it to the man claiming to be the student's uncle. 

A tear came from Ash's eye as he saw the poorly colored picture of his fallen friend, Pikachu. He looked at the student and said, "Come on, Keanu, let's go." 

The student gave Ash a dirty look and punched him in the face. "The name's Neo!" 

"Argh, you bastard! Err, sorry. Anyway, let's go. We have an important job to do." 

"Whoa." 

"Neo, don't forget your math homework." 

"Aww, bogus, man!"   
  
**6**   
  


The Batwing landed in the middle of Disney World under the cover of night. "There's definately an evil in the air," said McGruder. "Disney...how we gonna separate this darkness from our true objective, ace?" 

"When 98 Degrees performed on television, I used the bat-computer to lock onto the broadcast signal. With this tracking device, we can hone in on the origin...and I have a feeling that we'll be able to get to the bottom of this whole conspiracy there. Now, let's get to the rendezvous point." 

The elite death squad met at a bar in the outskirts of the city, formulating a plan. When the session was over, Batman turned on the tracking device and led the way to their target.   
  
**7**   
  


Outstretched in front of them was a giant black tower of doom. "I don't know how we missed this when we flew overhead," said Batman. 

"Well maybe if you didn't put those white contacts over your eyes when you're wearing the mask, you'd be able to see better," replied Ash. The Batman glared at Ash--or at least tried to. 

As the group approached the dark tower, a generic wise man appeared in front of them. "Who the fuck are you?" 

"When you enter the tower, you will face many challenges. The answers you seek are at the top of the tower." 

"Yeah whatever, spinach chin," said Ash. "But how the hell do you know this? And who are you?" 

"The first challenge--" Before the generic wise man could finish his insane ramblings, a very pissed-off Ash blew the man's face away with his boomstick. 

"Finally he shut his face-though it's about twelve feet from his body now. Now let's crack this egg wide open." 

"Hold up there, Ash. I"ll scale up to the top of the building and enter from the roof. You guys work your way up from the ground floor." 

"Not wait just one minute Batboy. Why the hell--" Before Ash could finish his sentence, Ash was halfway up the tower. "Damn it, I hate it when he does that. All right kiddies, let's go!"   
  
**8**   
  


The Cigarette Smoking Man took a drag and set his Morley down in the ash tray. "They're getting closer to discovering our secret conspiracy. Did you take down the sign?" 

"Yes," replied the genetically altered chimpanzee. He motioned to the giant neon sign pointing out the "Evil Secret Conspiracy Headquarters." 

"Excellent, the master will be pleased." The Smoking Man lit up another cigarette. 

"What of our little problem?" asked the android. 

"They're on the rap floor right now," said the Smoking Man. He pushed a button on the comlink. "Puffy, get ready." He heard dozens of guns cocking over the intercom. "Excellent."   
  


Neo pressed the button on the hand-held detonator and watched the door shatter into thousands of pieces of shrapnel. "Whoa, that was totally cool, dudes." 

"Ready everyone?" asked Ash and he revved the chainsaw and pumped the shotgun. 

Father McGruder nodded. Neo took a couple of Desert Eagles out of his coat."Groovy. Let's go!" The three ran through the front door. Only to be greeted by a group of rappers, obviously part of the vast shitty music conspiracy. 

"Yo punk ass bitch ass motherfuckers! We're gonna fuck you motherfuckers up, beeyatch!" Each of the five rappers pulled out their standard gangsta rapper AK-47s. 

"Let's get them!" yelled a voice from the top of the stairs. Puff Daddy leaped off the top of the stairs, wielding a pair of Glocks, John Woo style. Puffy played his new song: a sampling of Vanilla Ice's classic Ninja Rap his own rapping included-an extra verse about Krang, the evil brain from Dimension X. Neo shot all the speakers, took out a boombox, and began playing the lobby shootout music from _The Matrix_. 

Neo got up from the box he was hiding behind, did a midair flip, and shot up one of the rappers. He landed behind the crate Ash was using for cover. The bullet-ridden rapper crumpled to the ground, leaking blood. The corpse's jacket opened up and a load of stolen watches fell out. Ash jumped up and fired a load of buckshot from his shotgun. It struck true and shattered one rapper's skull. Brain matter oozed out at the lifeless body hit the floor. "Where the hell is Batsie?" yelled Ash above the gunfire. Nobody answered. Neo and Ash simultaneously jumped up and took out a rapper. 

"Yo yo, I be dead, motherfucker!" screamed a rapper as a bullet penetrated his heart, causing the life to leave him. That left only Puffy and one of his rapper henchmen. They both concentrated their fire toward Ash and Neo, giving Father McGruder an opportunity. He snuck behind the henchman and performed a roundhouse kick, knocking the head from the rapper's body. He then thrust his fist through the torso, pulling out intestines. Before Puffy could retaliate, the priest wrapped the small intestines around the talentless hack's neck, and choked him to death. "The unholy rap menace has been purged from the Lord's green Earth. 

The Crusaders of Justice, led by the intrepid Ash, made their way up the stairs. They had all seen many horrors in their lives, but nothing could prepare them for the frightening image that awaited them behind the next door.   
  
**9**   
  


A great machine occupying the entire floor sprawled out before the intrepid group. Dozens of tanks, each holding the body of an identical pretty-boys, were connected to the device. Three of the liquid-filled containers emptied and opened, revealing three dark clones, each one worthy to inherit command of the hell-spawned armies of Beelzebub himself. One of the creatures, who would frighten even mighty Cthulhu, spoke. 

"My name...is Chad." 

"I am to be known as BJ." 

"I'm Julian and we're three-fifths of..." 

"KEEBLER'S FUDGE PATROL!" they all chanted in feminine voices. 

A trio of headshots by Neo took out the demon-spawn. "Come on," said Ash. "Let's put an end to this once and for all!" He pulled the cord on his chainsaw arm and charged the device, severing the life support systems of the tank. Fluid spilled all over the floor, and the clones screamed in horror, waking up only to die. Bile oozed from their mouths as they choked and returned to the dark place from whence they came. Before they could finish their work, however, they were greeted by a new threat. 

An elevator opened and several dark and shadowy figures emerged. One, the Cigarette Smoking Man. Two and three, Al Gore and George W. Bush. And last, but not least, the King of Pedophile, Lou Pearlman, creator of the boy bands. "Hello boys. Perhaps you'd like an explanation to what's going on here. Since I am the villain in this poorly written derivative piece of fiction, I suppose an exposition falls on my shoulders. 

"You see it is my plan to completely and utterly destroy all of humanity, plain and simple. First, by wiping out good music and flooding the marketplace with these god-awful boy bands and talentless saline-enhanced jail-bait. Then I will destroy America...I mean at the last election, these two fools were your only choices. One an evil android dedicated to censorship and control of the media, and the other a genetically-altered chimpanzee, addiction to cocaine, and trained to give blow jobs to corporate CEOs." 

"I give a nice rim job too!" interjected Bush. 

"Yes, Smirky. Now quiet! And to help coordinate this elaborate plot, is the Cigarette Smoking dude from _The X-Files_. I just think he's cool, and downright sexy, for an older boy. I normally don't like them over 18, but I make exceptions." 

"Vile fiend! It's bad enough every single one of my collegues in the Catholic minister are card-carrying members of the North American Man Boy Love Association, but you've gone too far! **DIE**!" McGruder charged the sick fuck, only to be impaled by a large bowie knife, with the blade crafted in a phallic shape. 

"Now, all your friends will follow suit. If you will not turn...then you will be destroyed!" 

"Not if we can help it!" came a voice as the window shattered. Batman had returned. "I brought some friends from the JLA! Meet Superman and Green Lantern." 

Gore turned to greet the newcomers. "Greetings Kal-El. It is time to reveal my true identify." He ripped off the poorly-constructed human mask. "It is I, Brainiac!" 

"For Krypton, bitch! Superman ripped the android's head off as the others engaged their foes." 

Bush took a hit off his crack pipe and charged the heros. Batman ripped off his mask, to reveal Bruce Wayne, CEO of Wayne Enterprises. Bush screamed and opened his mouth. Ash, however, rammed his boomstick down the crack baby's throat and blasted away. "You know how much gas for the Delta costs me, you fuck-head?" asked the demon-killer to the gooey chunks of neck and windpipe on the floor. 

Neo shot the CSM in the head 50 times and cheered, asking Batman for some candy as a reward. 

Green Lantern looked at the most vile creature there, Pearlman, and held his fist out, ring toward the groin area. "Here's a little trick I learned from _Spaceballs_!" A jade beam of energy lanced out from the power ring, striking Lou in the most painful of areas. 

Pearlman dropped for a minute, then stood up defiantly. "Fool, I have no frank or beans!" He motioned and Kyle was knocked across the room. "For I am an ancient power beyond human comprehension." A claw burst from his chest and a creature emerged from the dead human skin. A voice sounded in the heads of all the heros. [I AM THE LORD OF HATE ITSELF, THE GREATER DEMON KNOWN AS BEREYZAX! MARY-KATE, ASHLEY, COME TO YOUR MASTER!] 

Two dark imps appeared before the creature, revealing their true forms. [NOW HEROS, YOU SHALL MEET YOUR DOOM AND SUFFER MY ETERNAL WRATH IN THE FIREY PITS OF HELL!] 


End file.
